Seek 2020

-


I have been so excited about 2020. A new year and new beginnings. Another chance.
Back in the fall I really felt that my word for the year would be SEEK.  I want to be intentional with my seeking. I want to Seek God more, connect with family more and go deeper in those relationships. I also want to seek connection within my community and in my family ancestry. I have some projects on the go. I am on an internal quest that I know will have external and eternal benefits. It has already begun.










So much around this word SEEK has evolved since then.  I am getting a bit of a late start in posting but I hope to be able to process and sort it all out in a way that I can even write more about it.









When I was pondering my word in the fall and what that would look like for me I also saw this

These words stuck with me and I knew I would have to look at some of these things and make some decisions.  This is the painful part. The uncomfortable part. It is tempting to not look at these things. Some things can and should be let go of but I believe that depending on the situations some take more than "just letting it go".  There needs to be healing and getting through the other side or we risk having it pop up again and again, being triggered and or weighed down by these past issues that we thought we let go of. We continue to hurt ourselves and others when we don't deal with our stuff. For me there are a few things I have to look at that I don't want to bring with me into 2020.  I have a particular person in my life that I feel is really not safe for me (emotionally), some challenging dynamics and circumstances, some areas where I feel like a failure (big time) and when I focus on that I can give in to hopelessness, fear and anxiety.  I have been blocking some of my pain and grief because I am too afraid or overwhelmed to deal with so many losses.  Just to name a few things. I can't just let these big ones go so I am intentionally processing and making changes. I am even seeing a counselor to help with this. I am SEEKING help. In a short time I see and feel a difference already. 





 I mentioned that I have some projects on the go.  I didn't make new years resolutions but I did think about some goals I have and set out to make them happen. These goals align with my seeking and connecting.  I do hope to go into more detail as they happen.  I have planned a special get away with each one of my children individually. I have never done that before.  My heart is so happy and I am really looking forward to it! Who knows, if it goes well maybe it can become an annual tradition.  I have also booked a weekend family reunion for this summer.  I and others have talked about it for years but this year it's actually going to happen!  Another thing I am really looking forward to.

After my brother died I found it very hard to read and to write.  2 of my favourite things to do. I know it can be a natural part of the grieving process and I had to allow myself time but I wasn't sure if I ever could again. It was scary.  I dared have it be one of my goals for this year.
 It's happening! With God's help, my being intentional and working things through etc..it has begun. I am so very grateful.
I truly believe this!  I may have been surprised at times
but I have never been abandoned





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Moment of Silence

-
Image
Wake up! Wake up! Hear the sound Bullets fired all around So much pain And loss and grief Will there ever be relief? Brother, Sister Daughter, Son Mother, Father marching on Into battle The night is long But we will sing your victory song Our flag waves high The wreaths are laid The band will play for you this day We give thanks We bow our heads For the living and the dead To you the honour And praises be For Canada so strong and free You’ve stood on guard You’ve paid the debt A moment of silence Lest we forget Dede Nicholson November 9, 2014 Dedicated to Great Uncle Bill Holden                                  
Read more

The Hard but Good and All The Firsts

-
Image
It was 5 months ago today I lost my brother.  That first night of our vacation we were so excited about. That night. That phone call. That spine chilling gut wrenching phone call night.  He's gone. Gone? What does that mean?!  Passed away. Dead.  Suddenly, unexpectedly gone. The next morning was Canada Day and one of the main reasons why we were on vacation. Less than 24 hrs later. A full day of festivities planned with the grandkids.  How could Canada Day go on?  I know Paul would have wanted me to celebrate Canada Day as he was very patriotic and especially to enjoy my grandkids as he adored his own. But it should be cancelled. Couldn't we just stop a minute or at least press pause?  Don't they (all of Canada) know how wrong this is?!  Walking through crowds of people with my brain in a fog, I try to stay in the moment and grounded as I watch them sway to the band, cheer on the parade and joyfully play bean bag toss.  The bean bags fly t...
Read more

22 Days of Losing Paul

-
Image
Love Never Dies Week One : It is a very strange feeling. I know I will be ok, and I know that I have much love and support but life will never be the same again. There is this huge, bold mark on my timeline. The before, the after. I am not the same person. It is not my first big loss and grieving process, but it is the first loss of a sibling. I am not sure how to do this. I don't want to do this. I am still tumbling from the rug being pulled out, however people all around me are (as am I)  going grocery shopping, banking, driving, working, planning....It's like in the movies when the scene is paused but some objects are still going by in slow motion. Surreal. I am so very grateful for the love and support of my husband, kids and grandkids and other siblings, family and friends. I treasure the evening just spent with Tommy, my sisters and brother in law, sharing in communion and prayer, laughing and crying and singing/worshipping together as we remember Paul and ho...
Read more