A Letter to My Younger Self
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| My Younger Me |
I never paid much attention or got into the letter for my younger self trend. Things happen, or don't. You live, you learn. You move on. Why would I spend the time doing that exercise when there are barely enough hours in a day as is? Until recently.
Mark 12:30-31 - This verse has been on my heart for months. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbour as yourself. The 2 Greatest commands from Jesus. There is no greater than these.
Everything else should fall into place if we could only do these. I want to give God every area of my life. I want to serve him with every area of my life. This also includes self care because he created me. This is what I want to share about today.
I think 4 different ways are mentioned because as humans we are divided into those 4 different parts.
We are emotional, spiritual, mental and physical beings. Sometimes we are very good at taking care of some parts, but not others. Think about it, we all know someone who obsesses on self help books or another person who goes to the gym 20 hrs a day but they aren't at all healthy in other areas. It's important to try and have a healthy balance.
I have been guilty of this. About a year ago I took some self assessment tests to rate my self care/health in these 4 areas. I scored really high emotionally, mentally and spiritually but scored very poorly on the physical section. In a way I am not shocked because I have been on an intentional deep healing journey for many years. Although I do love my walks and I have taken a few yoga classes over the years and I have gone to physio and massage, I don't have a fitness routine or attend any classes. I love my fruits and veggies and have cut back on some sugars and carbs, but I have not been consistent with a healthy diet.
I used to be very active. I was very flexible. I had muscle strength and cardio stamina. (Except arms - I always had weak wrists and bad shoulders. I wasn't the kid doing the pull ups or rope climbing.)
I took ballet, I was good at gymnastics and trampoline, loved softball and was in figure skating forever. One year in high school I went to compete in track and field against other schools just so I could miss classes, and without any training or prep whatsoever, I ran the long distance race. That race is 8 times around the track and I came in second. I accomplished this after being up until 4am partying and then up at 6am to catch the bus. I took my physical abilities for granted.
After I got married I stopped skating. 5 months in I got pregnant and got sick. Really sick. I was in hospital for a month on IV. not keeping anything down. By the time I was 4 months pregnant I had lost 30 pounds. I looked like a corpse. I lost all that muscle. I wasn't concerned at the time. The doctors were concerned about losing me and losing my baby. Things turned around I came home with a healthy baby girl and then shortly after, another pregnancy. This one was fine but my babies were only 18 months apart and I was a very busy mom. I didn't even think about fitness or about my body. I thought that maybe one day when the kids were older I would join a fitness class or a gym. I didn't think I had time or money for such things. I was raising little people and they were my main priority.
When I was in my 20's the part in that scripture verse about loving your neighbour as yourself really hit home. I was in a rough place. I did not love myself. I didn't even know myself. How could I love others well and from a healthy place if I could not do this? I had no voice, no value, no clear identity. I went through a very dark period struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. My body ceased up. With the constant fear, stress, adrenaline and body memories, I literally ceased up and shrank. I had nightmares that my legs were shrinking and technically they did. I lost all of my flexibility and I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia as well. Everything hurt everywhere. I went from being extremely flexible with great extension and grace to not even being able to touch my toes. I was shrivelled up and curled up. I walked like a patient shuffling down the hospital corridor in slippers and gown pushing the IV pole, and that is exactly how I felt.
Things began to change but not physically. Again, I wasn't concerned about fitness or my body. I was fighting to keep alive. To get well. I worked hard, and with God's grace and help and years of therapy, I did. But not as well physically. With my inner healing, massage and physio the fibromyalgia improved greatly but I never regained my flexibility. I guess in the back of my mind I thought that one day I would get it back. One day I would have more time, more money, more energy to focus on stretching, on the physical, a better plan.
Years went on, and got busier. I was working full time and raising teenagers. Life threw stuff at us as it does, and because fitness wasn't ever part of my adult routine, I never figured out how to fit it in. I had jobs where I was on my feet all day, some very stressful jobs, and I came home exhausted with a family and home to take care of. I kept to my spiritual, emotional and mental wellness plan but didn't even clue in to the physical.
Several times over the years I have tried changes in diet. It is a lot more challenging when your husband is a picky eater and very happy with a steady diet of hamburgers, fries, pizza and breads. My own weakness is pasta and sweets. I tried for us to make changes together. On my own I was not successful at sticking to anything, but I know that is on me. Whatever he does or doesn't do, I have to take responsibility for me and own it. I do know better and I have been making some small and consistent changes but it is not enough. Too little too late.
Which leads me back to today. Four and a half years ago I started a new job that I absolutely love but I sit all day. I get breaks and I eat. I eat well. I go for daily walks and I stretch but it is not enough. I have gained about 25 pounds. As I said, I did really well on the spiritual, emotional and mental care but not physically. Unfortunately that has gotten worse and since everything is connected and does affect every part as a whole, it has finally caught up with me. I am embarrassed to see photos of myself. I am feeling old and fat and ashamed. I am now greatly lacking in confidence. I am so angry with myself for not realizing how important this all is. I was saying to Tommy not long ago that I really want to do things differently before it's too late. Before we reach a stage where we lose our mobility or ability to do what we can/should/want to do physically. We started looking into classes and talking to trainers but I may have reached that point already. I am dealing with some health issues. I ignored a few symptoms I was having for some time. I kept hoping they would just go away. Now 20 minutes into a brisk 30 minute walk I am experiencing a lot of pain. This scares me. I know what the trouble is, but not sharing here on this page (TMI) and I am awaiting an appointment for an ultrasound and a specialist for some treatments and to see what I can and can't do, so as to avoid making it worse. It's not a death sentence, but I don't have the freedom to literally jump in and start doing any classes with jumping jacks and lunges etc.
I am not giving up or giving in. Once I get the information I need from the specialists and begin treatments I am going to give it everything I've got. I hope and pray it's not too late, and that I get another chance. I've seen people 10 or 20 years older than me turn their lives around so why can't I? I don't expect to run marathons or be lifting heavy weights by any means, but I expect to make some changes I need to and want to and to be the best me I can possibly be. I'm scared and I feel really embarrassed and intimidated but I am also determined and hopeful that things can improve.
This letter to my younger self?
PLEASE DON'T IGNORE YOUR PHYSICAL BODY!
IT NEEDS YOU TO TAKE CARE OF IT - NOBODY ELSE WILL
When you lose your muscle - build it back! Find a way to do some small things daily. You don't need all your skating muscles again but you need strength. Muscle toning from head to toe is so important. The older you get the harder it is.
When you lose your flexibility - stretch it out! Find a way to stretch and stretch and stretch some more, daily! This is so important and will prevent so much pain and other issues and complications for you down the road.
When you get busy, when life gets serious and crazy, when your father is living downstairs - keep dancing! The joy of dancing around your living room with the music blaring until you are sweating is not stupid. Find somewhere else to do it if you have to! Keep up with the cardio, music, dance. Find a way. Once you stop you won't end up starting again. Don't stop!
I remember the last cartwheel you ever did and the last somersault you ever did. So sad. Don't ever stop doing somersaults and cartwheels. Keep it up! Do them with the kids and then the grand kids.
Weekends are for picnics and somersaults and cartwheels. You've got this!
Build your core - you are young now and take so much for granted. Just trust me on this!
Build and strengthen your core!!!
Don't do anything extreme or too drastic because you won't be able to succeed or keep it up. Don't aim for perfection. Find ways of making it fun, taking small steps and work it into a daily routine so it becomes habit and not too hard. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You know what to do for a healthy diet. Do it! It's ok to enjoy treats every once in a while. Don't try to go extreme but Don't wait! Do it now!
And you know what? Even if you don't do all these things, and you realize too late that you really wish you would have, and really should have, don't despair or beat yourself up. Use that energy instead to start now. Do what you can. Your doctors will help with treatment and pain management. Trainers will help with appropriate exercises. If you need surgery then you need surgery. You can recover. I know it's a challenge but give yourself some grace and forgive yourself. Do what you know to do best. Lay this at your heavenly father's feet. Ask him for wisdom, guidance and his strength. Ask him to show you the way and you know he will.
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