It's a Wonderful Life - I Want to Write Again!

It's a Wonderful Life - I Want to Write Again!

It's a Wonderful Life - I Want to Live Again!

It has been a really rough summer. I almost deleted this blog and was ready to give up on the whole thing. I had no motivation or inspiration and didn't see the point. I am so glad I know better than to act on those types decisions when I am in a dark place. Perhaps I have more of a story to tell after all. 

September 29, 2018                                                         

The Summer Lost but Something Found

On the very first day of my much anticipated week of vacation, at the very beginning of summer, my brother died.  Since that day I have been dealing with all that is grief. The many shapes and forms it takes on.  God got me through I know, but to be honest, I don’t really remember the rest of the summer. It is a blur, totally disconnected. 

Until the last week of August.  

Another much anticipated, very much needed, week of vacation. Looking forward to the visits with friends, the fun outings, the rest, and the days in the vineyards or at the beach that I so long for. Unfortunately I would not get to see my sister as she was in Vancouver seeing specialists for a tumour behind her eye and that was weighing heavy on my heart, but this would be the week that could fill my soul and bring some healing I so desperately need.  Another chance to connect with family, ESPECIALLY those grandkids, who would be part of it all, the main event.   This week had been planned since February and reconfirmed in May with all parties involved who share custody/visiting times with said grandkids. The main event. Less than 48 hrs in, we found out that the other parties involved had forgotten about these plans.  That according to their schedules, between them all, they had the girls right up until school started. Not a death, but gut wrenching and another devastating blow for us and the girls.  It all ended up working out after a few days but then I got sick. Bedridden sick.  The coughing, the burning lungs, the throat infection. The sinuses, the pressure, the blocked ears. The cold sores, the sores in the mouth and the eye infection. I could barely breathe, swallow, talk, see or hear.  I will never forget the look on my granddaughters face when we told her we had to go home a bit earlier than planned after already having spent most of my time there in bed.  She sobbed and pleaded for us not to leave through her tears.  This is the girl that we raised in her early years. We have such a bond and she pines for us as much as we pine for her. Once again this did not go anything like it was planned.

When we got back home I had to take a full week off work. I still have lingering symptoms today, over a month later.

In my time of grieving and being sick I have not been able to get outside much, to read or write. I am very tired. I feel old.  I can’t really focus or concentrate. I haven’t been able to connect with God the same.  I have been feeling robbed, discouraged, vulnerable and at times afraid.   Not purposely disconnecting from God but starting to feel disconnected all the same.  I have had a lot of time to think and be in my head.  I know that I will get over this, get through this.  I am waiting and have hope that I will get back on track.  Waiting until I feel better.  Once I can get out in nature, once I can read and write again all will be well.  But it has got me thinking an awful lot about the circumstances of others and my waiting.

What about those who won’t get over or through it? Those who have chronic or terminal illness? With each new day, instead of the hope of being all better, back to normal, it is only a promise of more pain, more debilitation, and another day closer to the end. I have been thinking an awful lot about prisoners and refugees.  About Corrie Ten Boom and Job. How did they do it?  What exactly am I waiting for? God how do I do this? What. Am. I. waiting for?!

This morning in that place between dreaming and awake, God gave me these thoughts that I scribbled down through sleepy eyes.

He has taken my very own words, quotes and beliefs from the last 10, 20, 30 years and paired them with my deepest fears.

Keep in mind this is in no way a rebuke but an invitation to go much deeper.

The title is

YOU SAY – BUT WHAT IF

You Say:  that in the presence of your family and especially those grandkids “All is right with the world” and “My cup runneth over”

But What If: they were taken away? Your people, your loves disappeared without a trace?

Would you say all is well? It IS well?  Could you be filled to overflowing?

You Say: “If I couldn’t be near water I would shrivel up and die!” “In the waves I hear the heartbeat of God”   “In nature I am grounded when I feel the earth beneath my feet.”  To see and hear and smell the trees is to breathe in life.”

But What If: you had no access. In the concrete, in the stench, the lifeless forms, could you still breathe me in?  Could you still hear my heart beat?   Would I still be?

You Say:  “When I get back to reading the word and listening to worship I will get back on track.  

But What If: these things were denied you? Even worse, you lost your sight and your hearing?

Is my word impressed upon your soul?  Do you carry my song in your heart? Are my praises on your lips?

You Say: “When I write in my prayer and gratitude journals it is life giving. Life changing.  I become more grateful.  I am more aware of my thoughts and feelings and where I’m at with God. It is intimate communion with my Abba Daddy. I am happier and at peace.”  “When I study the word and read books I am inspired. I grow deeper in my faith.”

But What if: there were no paper and pen, there was no written page, no other story. Could you still find me in your story?  Connect with me?  Commune with me?  Would you still learn and grow? Would you still have the peace that passes understanding?

You Say: “I need to be able to focus.  I need to be able to be still. I need to be able to read and write and listen. I need to be able to go for walks. I need to get through this, to get over this, then I will be better and then I will be able to connect with God again. I need to get back to where I should be.”

YOU SAY

But What If: I SAY - I am here with you now. Just as you are.  Just be.  I AM.

Later in the evening I happened upon this quote:

"It's a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand."
-- Madeleine L'Engle, The Summer of the Great Grandmother

One of my all-time favourite books.                                   I feel known and loved.