A Little Dede Ditty

It was 5 months ago today I lost my brother.  That first night of our vacation we were so excited about. That night. That phone call. That spine chilling gut wrenching phone call night.  He's gone. Gone? What does that mean?!  Passed away. Dead.  Suddenly, unexpectedly gone. The next morning was Canada Day and one of the main reasons why we were on vacation. Less than 24 hrs later. A full day of festivities planned with the grandkids.  How could Canada Day go on?  I know Paul would have wanted me to celebrate Canada Day as he was very patriotic and especially to enjoy my grandkids as he adored his own. But it should be cancelled. Couldn't we just stop a minute or at least press pause?  Don't they (all of Canada) know how wrong this is?!  Walking through crowds of people with my brain in a fog, I try to stay in the moment and grounded as I watch them sway to the band, cheer on the parade and joyfully play bean bag toss.  The bean bags fly through the air in slow motion. A

It's Saturday afternoon. I am chatting on the phone with my sister.  We are catching up and sharing our weekend plans with each other.  I start telling her that I am getting ready to go the the football game and what a big deal it is because Wally is retiring. I even made him a sign. I have never made a sign for an event before. Frankly I think people who do that are weird and nerdy. What have I become?  But it's Wally, and it's his last home game. The very least I can do. Suddenly I feel my throat start to close.  Now the tears are flowing. Why am I so emotional?   Could it be because my brother just passed away a few months ago and I am still feeling raw?  Maybe I'm overly sensitive? This is embarrassing! I am a sign making nerd and I am crying! Then she says it. "It's because he reminds you of dad isn't it?  Yes, that is definitely part of it. I cannot see Wally Buono without thinking of my father. Ever.  (although Wally is much younger) It is somethin